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Beat All That You Can Eat

Part 2: Commander Spock - A bad, bad boy

Star Trek's Vulcan/Human Hybrid, Mr. Spock

I'm not going to try to explain how the Spock character evolved after TOS. Let's keep this simple. In the original Star Trek, Mr. Spock is not a typical Vulcan, and he's not even such a nice boy. Consider this:

Vulcans are famous for being honest, but Spock is deceptive.

1) In "The Enterprise Incident" we learn that Vulcans are incapable of lying, but Mr. Spock not only can lie, he's a masterful liar, as is proven in the same episode.

2) He is such a consummate deceiver that he can even evade the probings of the Klingon's mind scanner, as we learn in "Errand of Mercy".

Maybe that's OK, because those were enemies, but he wouldn't deceive his friends and comrades would he? Yes he would, and often does. Spock has such excellent control over even his own involuntary bodily processes that he could no doubt pass a lie-detector test and be lying with every breath the whole time. Don't think he hasn't tried it.

3) He even lies to himself. Spock habitually resists explaining himself, and deceives people about his nature while hiding his true self from view (denying everything whenever his mask slips) which only makes things worse. He can't begin to cultivate a healthy inner life if he refuses to even admit he has one.

Vulcans are a non-violent people that respect all lifeforms, but Spock can be cruel, even brutal.

1) In "The Trouble with Tribbles" it was his idea to beam the tribbles into the Klingon's engine room. That's a pretty sick prank if you really think about it. I mean, he's petting them one minute and the next, consigning the helpless fluffy things to what must have been a very unpleasant fate. Ewww!

He ordered Scott to actually do the dirty work, which makes it worse.

2) In "Journey to Babel" he could have warned Kirk about the awkwardness looming when his parents were due aboard, but chose instead to let his Captain embarrass himself. What was that, another sick prank?

3) Holding a grudge against his own father for almost two decades, and

4) resisting the call to donate blood for him - that's pretty cold!

5) Spock sends Kirk flying with a single brutal backhand in "Naked Time", only because Kirk was frantically trying to convince him to get back to work when the situation was desperate.

6) When Kirk arms himself before confronting Spock in "This Side of Paradise", it's pretty clear that experience has taught him that if he succeeds in angering Spock, he'll have a raging bull on his hands and will be engaged in a fight for his life.

Vulcans are honorable. Spock, OTOH, will promise anything, but does whatever the hell he wants.

1) He didn't give a feather or fig for any puny person's opinion when he decided to commandeer the Enterprise to take the invalid Captain Pike to Talos 4, against the guy's expressed wishes, and against every vow he ever swore as an officer of the fleet.

2) He launched an elaborate deception to accomplish the abduction of Captain Pike, lying to all of his comrades and ditching his "best friend" (and commanding officer) Kirk completely, without warning.

3) His subsequent court martial also turned out to be an elaborate deceptive prank.

Vulcans are logical and unemotional, but when Spock says he is logical and unemotional it's a bald-faced lie!

1) Spock can be coldly ruthless and hyper-rational, but he's a very emotional person. Those emotions aren't always cozy familiar human type ones, either. His urges and desires at best are neurotic, and often seem very weirdly alien, certainly to humans, but even to other Vulcans, who are candid about not being able to fathom him at all (like in "Amok Time"). Still, he has desires, likes and dislikes, and passions, and we often see him reacting emotionally. That he denies he engages in emotional behavior doesn't change the facts. He wouldn't have to keep explaining it away if it wasn't happening.

2)Spock is rather casual about mind-melding with every manner of creature and thing. I mean, Hortas, and crazy men, and machines, etc. All Jim has to do is ask him, and he's willing. I mean, you don't have to twist his arm. It's not like , "Oh my LORD, how could you ask that of me!" It's more like, "Well...all right!"

If, as we have been repeatedly told, mind-melding is a very serious, a very personal, a very intimate thing to Vulcans, then what does that say about Spock? If you ask me, it says he's not too picky about who he gets intimate with. Maybe he even gets some sick voyeristic thrill when he pokes around in other people's skulls. There's also that astounding revelation in "Requiem for Methuselah" when we see Spock actually melding with Kirk for the purpose of editing his Captain's memories. Holy cow! I don't know what Spock would call that, but I call it undue influence. I also call it highly suggestive, and what it suggests to me about Spock is that he's a hands-on meddler of the first water, not unemotional and detached.

Human beings are sociable creatures, but Spock is anti-social. Spock is not a party person. He tends to be a joyless grind who would rather work than play, and he prefers his own company to being with almost anybody. Except for Kirk (obviously a special case) he has no friends and doesn't seem to want any. In "The Galileo 7", he pays scant attention to the social niceties and ceremonies humans need. Furthermore he doesn't give a rat's ass if they don't like it. In that same episode, he made the decision to risk everything on a dicey chance, and didn't even ask for input first, although he was surrounded with people who each had a compelling interest at stake, and who naturally would have valued a chance to voice an opinion.

Human beings are sexy critters who are obsessed with thoughts of sex almost constantly, but Spock couldn't care less about the current state of his erotic opportunities. He actively resists the erotic blandishments Nurse Chapel flaunts in his face, and one way or another turns out to be a disappointment to every woman who tries to be close to him, which doesn't seem to bother him like it should. He shrugged off his infatuation for Zarabeth and others effortlessly, the second the gal became inconvenient. One cold fish! He never actively seeks a woman's embrace. A gal has to practically climb him and start humping his leg before he even notices her. Although he is possessed of some pretty spectacular mental abilities, he can't seem to spare a lousy ten seconds to puzzle out a clever way to coax babes into his bed. Woman in his life, no woman in his life: he's perfectly indifferent either way. Even no-strings sex doesn't interest him: He doesn't bother to hire whores. He doesn't even gaze at attractive women and allow himself to dream a little. Even if, in spite of his shortcomings, he gets a little now and then, he's not attracted to sex as an activity, and doesn't even seem to relish thinking about it, which, by human standards, is very weird.

Look, let's face it: Spock has a big WIDE sadistic streak. For one thing, what's with all the nasty practical jokes!? He may not be laughing on the outside but he's splitting a gut on the inside, you can bet your ass.

How about him beating the shit out of Kirk over and over? Kirk perversely keeps coming back for more, and Spock perversely keeps letting him. Come on! It's not even subtle.

Spock's attitude about pain is an interesting one. He usually refuses medication McCoy offers, because he prefers to remain unmedicated. He tells people he's dealing with pain by blocking it with some exotic Vulcan mental discipline, but he might just be saying that. As we have seen, he can be a deceptive son of a bitch. He does not fear pain, and probably could appreciate playing with it. In "Mirror, Mirror" Spock's alternative universe counterpart was casual about employing the agonizer on people, and our Spock could be too, I'm sure. Spock is a scientist, and also is, himself, a very interesting, utterly unique biological entity. Who would be surprised to learn that Spock is experimenting on himself?

It's maybe not obvious that Kirk's bisexual (although nobody ever said he wasn't), but it is obvious that Kirk is kinky. It is also obvious that Kirk's too in love with the Enterprise and too serious about his Captain's duties to risk getting handcuffed to the wrong person's bed. He is in a dangerous business and has to always watch who he hangs around for, I mean with. Spock would be a wonderfully attractive and convenient option for him. Jim has learned he can depend on Spock (most of the time), plus, telepaths don't need safewords.

What would be in it for Spock? How about blowjobs on demand? Spock is a practical man, not sentimental or romantic, and he wouldn't need flashcards to see the advantages in such an arrangement. Kirk wouldn't have to send him an engraved invitation. They'd talk it over, they'd try it on for size, and if they liked it, they'd keep it up indefinitely.

Spock is a famous scientist, and Kirk is an equally famous daredevil. Would anybody be surprised to learn either that Spock's experimenting on Kirk or that Kirk is getting off on it?

Look, maybe Spock isn't interested in ladies because he's not interested in ladies, you know what I mean? Maybe he doesn't go chasing skirts because he's already getting his sexual needs met another way, OK? Maybe "best friends" is a euphemism. Maybe the reason Spock follows Kirk everywhere like Mary's little lamb is he likes watching his butt when he walks. Kirk does have a cute butt! Kirk could be leaping up out of the Captain's chair and pacing around the bridge simply to remind Spock of that fact, now and then.

Look, just because Kirk likes to flirt and dance with pretty ladies and just because both of these guys tear off a rare piece of female ass doesn't mean they don't prefer to play nasty kinky games and suck each other's cocks every blessed day. They could be doing it every which way every ding-dong day twice a day, and probably are, which would explain both why Spock can be so philosophical about having no girlfriend, and how someone as manifestly hot-blooded as Kirk can manage to keep his hands off the Enterprise crew-women (most of the time).

This also would explain why Spock reserves his worst behavior for Kirk, if Kirk, "best friend" my ass, is actually his sick-bitch ~lover~. Just like married couples eventually slump and start farting out loud in each other's company, Spock and Kirk have let their hair down with each other. The honeymoon is over, the white gloves are OFF. Kirk and Spock indulge each other and forgive each other's excesses because, "brothers-in-arms" my ass, they have this really great sex life which covers all sins and always eventually tends to smooth things over... or else Kirk gets spanked. They also cover for each other and lie for each other and create alibis for each other and demand crazy things of each other like, "comrades" my ass, married people and felonious co-conspirators tend to do.

Their bond and mutual culpability is DEEP, or else none of their more outlandish adventures and choices make any sense.

Kinky or not, Kirk as Spock's lover has to be seen as a miracle of love. If true, Spock did all fucking right for himself. Genius! Kirk is one spectacular individual, a truly decent guy who has nothing but an utterly civilizing effect on Spock. He gave Spock a reason to come out of his shell and start mixing with people like a regular person. He is teaching Spock about games and having fun. He gives Spock such a fierce, whole-souled, unconditional love that Spock is blooming like a rose. Spock is a better man by far thanks to Kirk's enthusiastic involvement in his life. Kirk never misses a chance to point Spock toward the light and away from the shadows, which is just what Spock needed: someone whom he can respect who takes a lively interest in his character development and happiness.

Captain Kirk might have seen that Mr. Spock could be a tremendous force for good or evil, might have seen him waffling, and might have used his own body as the bridge that Spock used to cross the chasm of decision safely to the path of righteousness. If so, it would not only be just like him, but it could be seen as one of the bravest and noblest things he could ever choose to do.