These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
Kirk: naughty boy

This Episode: "Rough Trade"

In which Kirk tries to rough it in the bush, and gets rough luck instead

Kirk and Spock plot their next move

Kirk: "Spock, while still in orbit around this gorgeous world, I've decided we should beam down to an undisclosed location, just ich und du, Mein Herr, for a little wild specimen gathering, if you catch my drift!" (wink)

Spock: "As you wish, Jim, of course."

Kirk: "Spock... you shouldn't be so... so agreeable about it!"

Spock: "Very well, Captain. In the absence of some logical pretext for me to accompany you, I believe I should stay here aboard ship."

Kirk: "Now you are being too disagreeable!"

Spock: "I must admit I am now at a loss. What precisely do you expect of me?"

Kirk: "Jeez-louise Spock! Do I have to hand you a script!? Why is everything always up to me!? Just tell me to get my ass into the transporter room now, or you'll carry me there!"

Spock: "Well, why the hell didn't you just say so in the first place? Now Get Your Ass..."

Kirk on the planet

Kirk (as if thinking aloud): "Here I am, a lonely guy on guard duty in some remote spot, far from any hope of timely help...Omigosh! Halt! Who goes there!?"

Spock: "Greetings, you sexy young Terran. Be unafraid: I come in peace."

Kirk: "He's not human, but obviously is a man. And what a man, too!" (to "stranger")Kirk: "If your intentions are peaceful, then take that weapon out of your pants and give it to me!"

Spock: ::drops trou:: "This is no weapon, it is my cock. It won't harm you."

Kirk (incredulous): "Are you sure!? It's so big! I'll bet you've hurt somebody with that thing!"

Spock: "Hurt, yes. Harm, no."

Kirk: "Gee, I come from a small town and I'm not too sophisticated. What's the difference?"

Spock: ::bekoning invitingly::"It would be better to demonstrate than to explain."

Kirk: "Gee, I dunno. I have some serious reservations! No offense, I mean, I'm curious and everything, but... Oh DAMN IT! Who's that beaming in!?"
Kirk and his friends

McCoy: "What are you hiding in the bushes over here for?"

Spock: "Answering nature's call, Doctor. Hand me a big leaf, will you? There's a good fellow."

Kirk: "I have a better question: What the hell are you doing poking around here looking for us?"

McCoy: "Jim, I hate to spoil your little nature walk, or nature squat, or whatever the hell you call it, but you picked a bad place for it. There's a biting bug around here that spreads a deadly virus! I thought I should persuade you to return to the ship at once and keep yourself alive, seeing that it's my job to keep you healthy and alive and all. I tried to hail you, but you must have accidently set your communicator for do-not-disturb. I didn't even know Spock was here, until now."

Kirk: "Neither did I! Small planet, huh Spock?"

Spock: "Too small, Captain!"

Kirk on the bridge

Kirk: "Captain's Log Supplemental: After a brief foray into unexplored terrain, Commander Spock and I returned to the ship. Data obtained from our observations inconclusive at this time. Follow-up pending, as we leave orbit and proceed to our next regularly scheduled destination."

Chekov: "All secure for varp speed, Keptin!"

Kirk: "Proceed on course, warp factor two, Mr. Chekov."

Chekov: "Varp two eet ees, ser!"

Kirk: "Log Continue: Have arranged for exhaustive post-exploratory analysis session with Science Officer Spock. Endit. OK! Mr. Scott, please take the conn. I'll be burning the midnight oil in my cabin, and I strongly suggest you all find plenty to do that doesn't involve breaking my concentration!"

Scott: "Never fear, Captain! I'm on the job."

Kirk: "Good man, Scotty! I know I can always count on you."

Shirtless Kirk

(firmly) Spock: "When I said 'undress', I meant take EVERYTHING off!"

Kirk ("timidly"): "Even my boots?"

[pause. Kirk and Spock exchange a long look]

Spock: "Well, all right, you may leave the boots on."

Kirk (whining): "Is all this really necessary? It's kind of humiliating. Can't you just take my temperature, check my pulse, things like that?"

Spock ("seriously"): "No, my orders are quite clear. I am to thoroughly examine every square centimeter of your body for evidence of bug bites, and test your reflexes to be sure you have not been adversely effected by your exposure to the alien environment, bites or no."

Kirk (sweetly): "I'd feel better if you'd undress too."

[another pause. Another long look]

Spock: "Well, all right, if it will help you to feel less vulnerable."

Kirk: "I never even heard of this stupid disease you are checking for. Hey! Wait a minute! Where's your doctor's license!? How do I know you even are a real doctor!? HEY! What is that!? That's no medical instrument! MY GOD WHAT DID YOU JUST STICK INTO ME!?"

Spock (reassuringly): "Relax, everything is all right..."

Kirk ("infuriated") : "Relax!? RELAX? You stick God knows what into my ass without even a 'Hi, how ya doin'?' and you expect me to just Relax!?"

Return to Silly Star Trek ObsessionWHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?

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