These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!

This Episode: "The Deal With Keeler, Part One - Dungeons and Vulcans"

In which Kirk plays down and out to get down and dirty.

Spock: "Very well, Captain, so far, so good. We managed to successfully go back in time to the right spot within days of the target date, we were able to obtain proper clothing that miraculously fits perfectly, and so far no one is the wiser. Now what?"

Kirk: "Now we get some chow! I'm famished!"

Spock: "Captain...Jim... we have embarked on a most perilous and difficult mission that involves accomplishing the awesome task of altering a time-line. Billions, perhaps trillions of lives, those living and those yet to come, hang in the balance. How can you think of food at a time like this?"

Kirk: "That's nothing. I'm also thinking about getting laid sometime soon." (winks)

[Soon, in the rescue mission mess hall...]

Spock (whispering): "I doubt I should eat the soup."

Kirk (whispering): "I doubt it's a problem. No animals died in the production of the bowlful I got. Tell ya what, gimmee your soup and you can have my so-called bread, or bread substitute, or whatever the heck this facsimile of breadlike substance is."

[They swap, and eat]

Kirk (whispering): "I figured out a way for us to get some money. I'm going to tell whoever runs this shithole that I'm a cook, and see if they'll fire who's back there to hire me instead."

Spock (whispering): "Good idea."

(Kirk (whispering): "I also figured out how to get some meat. I'll see if I can get a cleaver from the kitchen and off who ever it was that foisted this slop on these poor slobs before they can get away. We'll have some meat THEN, you betcha!"

---

Edith: "Oh! Hello there!"

Kirk (smiling, sizing her up): "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm James T. Kirk, and I couldn't help noticing you seem to need a cook in this place!"

Edith: "No, no, I can't afford to hire a cook. That's why I do all the cooking myself."

Kirk (smiling broadly): "I'd work for free!"

Edith (smiles happily): "You're hired!"

Kirk: "Not so fast. My... friend and I need a private room. Got a room available? I'd take that instead of payment."

Edith: "All we have is cots in the dormitory. This is a mission, not a hotel."

Kirk: "Do you sleep in the dormitory?"

Edith: :::laughs::: "Of course not!"

Kirk (slyly): "OK, well, can I sleep with you?"

[Edith slaps Jim, hard]

Kirk (unfazed): "I don't have to sleep in your bed. I'll take the floor. That way, if you need anything in the middle of the night, you could just kick me!"

---

Edith (primly): "I don't have any pigs, but if I did, I'd keep them down here in the coalbin. This is the closest thing to a private room you'll find here, Mister Kirk, and it's also as close as you or your friend will ever get to my bedroom!"

Kirk: That's fine, thanks a lot!

Edith (primly): Mister Spock, I don't mean to insult you, but I must say I think you have poor judgment when it comes to choosing your friends!

Spock (dryly): I have similar luck in finding suitable lovers.

Edith: "Well, this is a mission, but I'm no miracle worker. I'm afraid you gentlemen will just have to care for yourselves, and pray for God's mercy."

---

Spock: "Well done, Jim. You've gone and antagonized our only friend in this hostile and forbidding timeframe."

Kirk: "Aw, she'll get over it! She's just playing hard to get! She wants me. I can see it in her eyes. I'll have her rolling over and begging for it in no time."

Spock: "Speaking of begging, isn't it about time you paid a little attention to me?"

Kirk: "What do you think this was all about!? I had to get a private room for us so I could take care of you whenever you want, Daddy! Once we clean this up down here it's gonna be real nice! We could move a bed in, put up some curtains...you could take some of these old vaccum-tube radios apart, put 'em back together...come on, it'll be fun! Our own little home away from home. Isn't it romantic?"

Spock: "We're ankle-deep in coal, Jim. We'll never get it cleaned up."

Kirk: "Yes we will. I'm not going down or dropping trou until we do."

---

[The next morning...]

Kirk: "Well, it took all night, but what did I tell ya, huh? Wouldn't this make a beautiful dungeon? We can install a block-and-tackle there, and you could hang me up and we can play meat-market! The whipping bench you made me would be perfect over here. You'd have plenty of room to work even your bullwhip, Daddy."

Spock: "I was thinking some eyebolts..."

Kirk: "YES!"

Spock: "Strategically placed about the door frame..."

Edith (from the stairs): "Gentlemen, I need to speak with you..."

[Edith enters, they act innocent]

Kirk (brightly): "Well, hello Miss Keeler! Look what we did!"

Edith: :::gasps::: "Oh my goodness! I don't believe it! This basement looks like it's been spit-polished!"

Spock (dryly): "You have no idea how close to true that is."

Edith (to Spock): "I beg your pardon?"

Kirk (interrupting): "Miss Keeler! Since we did such a good job of cleaning up and since I'm willing to cook and haul garbage for free, and since I'm really truly sorry about how rude I was, do you think maybe you could find it in your saintly heart to forgive me?"

Edith (gently): "Well...all right. Yes. I forgive you. I'm so relieved. I had complaints about the strange noises you two were making, and I actually thought I was coming down here to throw you out. Thank you for doing such a marvelous job. I'm sorry if I seemed...harsh...before."

Kirk: "You never seemed like anything but a beautiful lady to me."

Spock: :::coughs:::

[Jim and Edith both look at Spock - Spock glowers back]

Kirk: "Oh! Thanks for reminding me. Miss Keeler, my... friend and I really need to be left alone right now. We're... Druids and this is... one of our religious holidays. If you hear any other noises it's just us, summoning spirits and other boring Druid stuff. Don't worry about a thing."

[To be continued...]

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