These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
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McCoy: "Captain, I thought we have to leave immediately to intersect with the asteroid that is on its way to turn this primitive paradise to paste. There is no time to waste, I thought."
Kirk: "You can leave me here while Spock takes care of it. You can pick me up again when you're finished."
Spock: "Captain, logically your proper place during such a mission is on the bridge."
Kirk: "What's the big deal!? You can handle it! The asteroid is almost two months away. It would only take you a few minutes to warp back here to get me. Tell him, Bones!"
McCoy: "If Spock thinks it's a bad idea I'm not going to vote for it."
Kirk: "Spock, may I speak with you privately for a moment?
[Kirk and Spock step away from McCoy]
Kirk (pouting prettily): "Please?"
Spock (disgusted): "Oh, don't pout. Stop it. That is unfair."
Kirk (turning on the puppy-dog eyes): "Pretty please?"
Spock (caving): "Oh, stop. All right. But avoid the natives and stay out of trouble!"
Kirk (happily): "You know me!"
Spock: "Precisely, which is why I say 'Stay Out Of Trouble'."
[They return to McCoy]
Kirk: "OK! Bones, you go back to the ship with Spock and keep him out of trouble. (Spock throws Kirk a LOOK, Kirk ignores it) That's an order! He's under orders to take the Enterprise to meet the asteroid and push it away from this gorgeous planet. I'll stay here and, uh, examine that mysterious obelisk. I've always wondered what an obelisk is."
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[Later...]
McCoy: "Spock, I'm just a simple country doctor and don't know much about basic physics, so can you explain to me how you plan to push a moon-size asteroid with a little, teeny, tiny starship, when we'll be out in space without something bigger than the asteroid to brace ourselves against?"
Spock: "Doctor, please stick to your areas of expertise, and leave me to mine."
[Minutes later as a crippled Enterprise flees before the advancing asteroid...]
McCoy: "Nice work, you half-witted half-breed! After trying everything you could think of to totally screw up our mission, you finally succeeded! Now we're limping back to that planet at half-impulse speed, and because our transmitters short-circuited, we have no way to tell Jim what happened or that we're going to be late!"
Spock: "I'm aware of that, Doctor."
McCoy: "Are you also aware that everybody aboard, including me, hates you, and that we unanimously agree you have the IQ of a can-opener and the personality of a throw-rug?"
Spock: "Yes, Doctor."
McCoy: "A trip that would normally take 6 minutes will now take six weeks, and I plan to spend the whole six weeks berating you and reminding you of what a screw-up you are!"
Spock: "I fail to see how that would help us out of our current predicament."
McCoy: "Maybe it won't help, but it sure as hell will make me feel better!"
Spock: "Aren't you forgetting one thing, Doctor?"
McCoy: "What's that?"
Spock: "While the Captain's away, I'm the one who is in charge."
McCoy: "So?"
Spock: "So, like it or not, you have to do whatever it is that I tell you to!"
[pregnant pause]
McCoy: "You don't plan to be a hard-ass about this, do you?"
Spock: :::evil laugh::: "Maybe that wouldn't solve anything, but it would at least make me feel better."
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Kirk (thinking aloud): "Gee, this obelisk/temple thingy is weird! This table looks like some kind of a control panel. Hey, I wonder what would happen if I push this big red button?"
[Jim pushes button, gets electric shock]
Kirk: "Whoooooo! Wow! That was intense! That can't be what it was made for. Maybe that was just static electricity. That probably discharged it. I should try pushing that button just one more time."
[Jim pushes button again, gets sustained electric shock that wipes his mind clean.]
Kirk: "Wooooooo! What a rush! Hey, what me doing inside? Me go outside."
[Jim walks out the of temple to encounter yummy native babe in doeskin. She comes close, he touches her and gives her a shock.]
Minimallow (awestruck): Your touch is like fire! You...you are so strange looking! You are pale and your hair is standing on end. You must be a God!
Kirk (passively): "Whatever."
Minimallow: "This was prophesized! Since I am high priestess, we must be married at once. It's tribal law!"
Kirk: "OK."
[Moments later, in the native's ceremonial hut]
Chief: "I now pronounce you God and wife!"
Kirk: "Minimallow, why is that hunky guy over there crying and acting pissed off?"
Minimallow: "That is Slavlix, he who was to be my husband. He's old news now."
Kirk: "He doesn't look like old news to me."
[Kirk flirts with Slavlix. Minimallow possessively grabs Jim and steers him toward the honeymoon wigwam]
Minimallow: "Come, my handsome husband, we must begin our married life at once!"
Kirk (passively): "Whatever."
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[Six weeks later...]
Spock (serenely): "You should say, 'May I Please'! That's ten more stripes with the rattan cane that you have coming."
McCoy (mechanically): :::sigh::: "Thank you kind sir, for correcting me. May I PLEASE have permission to speak, wise and benevolent Lord and Master?"
Spock: "Yes, you may."
McCoy: "I finished cleaning all the toilets on the entire ship. Will there be anything else your glorious highness requires before I collapse with exhaustion on the straw mat which you graciously allow me to use for a bed?"
Spock: "Yes. Two things. First, let me ask you something: since, after nearly two months, Jim has probably gotten married to a native woman, started cheating on her with anything in buckskin that moves, and got his dick cut off by her with a stone knife in a jealous frenzy, before he was fed to the wolves - how would you feel about staying on as my special friend after the memorial service?"
McCoy: "Pardon my candor, great one, but you have no way of knowing if any of that happened, oh grand high exalted poobah Spock!"
Spock: "In the absence of any evidence to the contrary, I'm logically forced to conclude that the most wildly improbable scenario imaginable must be true!"
McCoy: "Actually, getting fed to wolves for fooling around is not that far-fetched."
Spock: "I was speaking of him marrying a woman."
McCoy: "Thank you for enlightening me, oh grand high exalted poobah Spock! What was the other thing you wished of me, radiant one?"
Spock: "Shine my boots. And suck my cock while you are down there."
McCoy: "Are you always this much of a bully in the bedroom?
Spock: "Yes."
McCoy: "No wonder Jim is nuts about you."
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Minimallow: "Guess what, adored God and husband! I now bear your child!"
Kirk (resigned): "Whatever."
Minimallow (dismayed): "B - but! Aren't you happy?"
Kirk: "Minimallow, I'm happy, but...I'm just feeling kind of crabby. I haven't been able to sleep at night as it is. A baby isn't going to help that."
Minimallow: "Are you still having the weird dreams about the strange pointed-eared God and his rituals?"
Kirk: "Yes, the pointed-eared God...only the dreams are more intense now: hotter, and more graphic. Last night, he was dressed all in rubber, and the things he made me do were obscene! I woke up before it was over. I tried and tried to get back to sleep and finish the dream, but no luck. I'm starting to think I'm meant to act some of these things out. Think Slavlix would be game?"
Minimallow: "Shhh! Please never speak again of such things. Such thoughts are against tribal law. If you are caught, you'll get stoned to death, and me with you."
Kirk: "Can't I make a new law that cancels that law? Aren't Gods above the law?"
Minimallow (firmly): "No, and no."
Kirk (whining): "Why? Who's going to find out anyway? Talk to Slavlix for me, honey, willya, please? He'd do anything if you asked him to."
Minimallow: "I don't like him."
[Kirk turns on the puppy-dog eyes and pouts]
Minimallow (caving): "Please don't do that. Oh, that's not fair! Oh, all right, all right!"
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[Spock and McCoy beam down just as Kirk and Minimallow are getting stoned to death. They chase the tribe away, then rush to attend to the fallen Kirk]
Spock: "He doesn't seem to recognize us, Doctor. I'm going to mind-meld with him." (initiates meld) "Me so...horny...me want...cockmeat...Me Want Cockmeat!" (snapping out of it) "Good heavens! The poor thing is sex-starved!"
[Jim, remembering himself, sits up]
Kirk: "Well! Took you long enough! Couldn't you find a parking place!? You couldn't even give me a call!? What did you do, break your widdle dialing fingee!?"
[Spock examines Minimallow, discovers her injuries are minor]
McCoy: "How come the crowd was stoning you Jimmy-boy? Isn't that a little hard-core, even for you!?"
Kirk: "My wife arranged a three-way with a guy who, it turns out, was just setting us up!"
[Spock and McCoy gasp, horrified]
McCoy: "Your WIFE!? Jim, what were you thinking!?"
Kirk (bursting into tears): "I wasn't myself! She tricked me into it! But I love her! My God, she's knocked up! Bones! Spock! I'm gonna be a dad!"
[Spock casually and discreetly breaks Minimallow's neck]
Spock: "I'm afraid not. Doctor?"
[McCoy examines Minimallow, and shakes his head sadly, silently confirming that she's dead. Jim hides his face in Spock's shirt and sobs, while Spock comforts him]
McCoy: "Jim, you had amnesia at the time you married. It wasn't legally binding."
Kirk: :::sobbing::: "Binding, schminding!"
Spock: "Really, doctor, it's fruitless to argue. Within minutes the question will be purely academic, anyway." (tenderly, to Jim) "There, there, it's all over. All is forgiven. Let's beam out of harm's way before this benighted clot gets pulverized. I assume you have had enough 'fresh air' for now."
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WHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?