The Sensational, Controversial Naked Time Conversation In Briefing Room 2 (subtitled for the K/S impaired. The humor-impaired are on their own.)

by Laura Goodwin

Toward the end of Naked Time, Spock gets infected by the disease that is infecting everybody else aboard the Enterprise. In general the disease makes people act like they are roaring drunk. The manifestation of the infection in his case causes his emotions to boil up and over. They are not happy emotions. He quickly loses control, and, embarrassed, overwhelmed, he hides himself in briefing room 2 at the peak of the crisis to weep inconsolably, as if his heart is absolutely breaking. Moments before we saw him accosted by a dizzy, intoxicated Nurse Chapel who grabbed a hold of him and confessed to feelings of love for him (which is how Spock gets infected). Spock was not pleased with Chapel's declarations and caresses, and in fact he seemed to find the whole experience utterly repugnant. He tried to be polite: with difficulty, he gently pulled himself out of her sticky grasp with apologies, and escaped into the hall.

Now, as Spock pathetically sobs his heart out alone in briefing room 2, he again says aloud "I'm sorry!", although there is no one there to hear him.

Soon after, Kirk, desperate to accomplish an extremely risky technological trick that will save the ship and all aboard from certain doom, with only minutes to spare, goes in search of Spock. Spock's unique talents are absolutely necessary to make this miracle work in such short time.

We do not know exactly when Kirk is infected, but my guess is it was when he grabbed a hold of Reilly, after busting in on him. It could also be when he makes contact with Spock. A good argument could be made in favor of either possibility.

With only five minutes to spare before disaster befalls, Kirk finds Spock hunched over in a chair, eyes full of tears. Here is the conversation that follows, with action (in parentheses) and K/S subtitles [in brackets].


Kirk: (Concerned) "What happened?"

[What's your problem?]

Spock: (Anguished) "My mother...I could never tell her that I loved her."

[It's a long story. Let's start at the beginning.]

Kirk: (More concerned) "We've got 4 minutes, maybe five."

[I didn't really mean I want you to tell me what totally happened, David Copperfuckingfield. I don't really have time for a long story. Can I have the Reader's Digest version?]

Spock: (Still Anguished) "Earth woman...living on a planet where love, emotion, is *bad taste*!"

[No. Try extending your goddamned attention span for once. You never ask about me, and now that you have, I intend to milk it for all that it's worth.]

Kirk: (grabbing S by the arm and roughly yanking him to his feet. Holding him firmly by the shoulders) "We've got to risk a full-power start! The engines were shut off...no time to regenerate!" (shakes S) D'yuh Hear Me!? (shakes S harder) We've GOT (shake) To RISK (shake) A (shake) Full (shake) Power (shake) START!"

[Look, it's not really about you, OK? It's about me]

(Kirk keeps his hands on Spock's shoulders as Spock responds)

Spock: (Miserably) "I respected my father; our customs. I was ashamed of my Earth back...."

[Chapter ONE, I am born. I was a handsome child I'm told: easy to please, and popular with my father's huge extended family...etc., etc.]

(Kirk slaps Spock across the face HARD, then anxiously watches Spock's face, looking into Spock's eyes for his reaction)

[Aren't you forgetting I said this is not about you?]

Spock: (Gasps, startled) "Jim!" (nastily) "When I feel friendship for you, I'm ashamed!"

[What kind of a sissy slap was that, FAGGOT!?]

(Kirk, visibly pissed, seems insulted. He quickly slaps Spock across the face HARD, forehand, backhand, and is going for another forehand shot when Spock arrests Kirk's slappin' hand in midair and holds it, tightly.) Kirk: "You've" (SLAP) "GOT" (SLAP) "To HEAR ME!"

[How's zat PUSSY!? Zat BETTER!?]

(they stand close together, facing each other, hands tightly clasped, looking directly and deeply into one another's eyes.)

[All right, have it your way. It's not about me. It's about you.]

Kirk: (Sharply) "We've got to risk implosion! It's our only chance!"

[Hey, that's quite a grip you got there, Daddy]

Spock: (Firmly) "It's Never Been DONE!"

[No shit. I strengthen it every time I jerk off. I can probably rip bricks by now]

(Spock throws Kirk's hand back down with that last statement. Now, while they maintain close proximity and intensely focused eye contact, Spock slowly takes a couple of steps to the right and faces Kirk from a fresh angle.)

Spock: (Radiating heat) "Understand, Jim, I spent a whole lifetime learning to hide my feelings...!"

[...and it only took two minutes alone with you to fuck it up]

(Kirk briskly slaps Spock's face again.)

[I'm flattered]

(Aroused, Spock slaps him back with such terrific force that Kirk is sent flying back, tumbling backward over the table, across the room to fall to the floor, hard!)

[Damn it, I can't help it. I am not getting enough.  I need more Gayboy sex with you.]

(Kirk, impressed but unfazed, leaps to his feet, lunges across the table and immediately is back in Spock's face again)

[Wow. Why didn't you ever say anything before? I have been wanting more sex with you, too!]

Kirk: (Emphatically) "WE'VE GOT TO RISK IMPLOSION! IT'S OUR ONLY CHANCE!"

[Wanna fuck?]

Spock: (Stubbornly) "It's Never BEEN DONE!"

[Yes. That is, maybe. Shit, I don't know! I've never tried that.]

Kirk: (Hysterically) "Don't tell me that *again*, 'Science Officer'! It's a theory! It's possible! We might go up into the biggest ball of fire since the last sun in these parts exploded, but we've got to take that one in ten thousand CHANCE!"

[No problem. I got enough experience for two of us.  If it doesn't work out I'll just blow you like usual.]

[SPECIAL NOTE: Every time Kirk starts saying it's a chance he has to take, it means he's psychologically getting his dick up for a masochistic date with pain. Watch for it in other episodes.]

Uhura, via intercom: "Bridge to Captain Kirk. Engineer asks did you find..."

(Kirk, frustrated, furiously slaps the intercom)

[Why won't women ever leave me alone!?]

Kirk: (Frenzied) "*YES* I FOUND MISTER SPOCK I'M *TALKING* TO MISTER SPOCK DO YOU *UNDERSTAND*!?" (looks at his own sweaty hands) "I've got the disease!"

[I can't believe that you don't know that when I'm alone with Spock in a room that IT MEANS I'M BUSY!]

(Kirk gets a weird look in his eyes, and his mood shifts)

Kirk: (Sullenly) "Love." (pause) "You're better off without it and I'm better off without mine!"

[I like to be fucked like an animal. Don't you dare ever go soft on me]

(Spock listens carefully)

[Cool!]

Kirk: (Petulantly) "This vessel...I give, she takes. She won't let me live my life, I've got to live hers!"

[Damn, I wish women would take a hint and quit bugging me]

Spock: (Gently) "Jim."

[Oh, don't get me started. AMEN! Nuff said!]

Kirk: "The yeoman. Have you noticed her Spock? You're allowed to notice her. Captain's not permit..."

[Have you seen the way that damn yeoman keeps bugging me? She's the worst]

Spock: (Interrupting) "Jim, there *is* an intermix formula!"

[Look, let's go back to talking about you and how you like to do this animal thing that you like to do]

Kirk: (Wandering away, distracted) "Now I know why IT's called *she*!"

[Women! They never give me a FUCKING BREAK!]

Spock: "It's never been tested. It's a theoretical relationship between time and antimatter."

[I can't promise I'd ever be able to give you much of a break, either. I'm horny all the time]

Kirk: "...flesh...woman...to touch, to hold...beach to walk on, a few days...no braid on my shoulder!"

[Sometimes I just want to strangle that slut yeoman and leave her in an unmarked grave...crazy, harassing stalker bitch!]

Scotty comes in: "Captain!"

[If you don't want her, give her to me. I wouldn't kick her out of bed]

(Kirk gets a pained expression on his face, then crosses toward Scott...)

Kirk: (Frightened) "Scotty....help."

[Beautiful. Take her, and for God's sake, spare me the details]

Spock: (Resolutely) "Stand by to intermix!"

[So, OK, I assume that means *we* have a date]

(At this point Spock and Scott must exit to go grapple with the crisis. Kirk straightens himself, pulling himself together with a terrific force of will. Looking around quickly before he exits, he speaks aloud)

Kirk: "Never lose you. Never."

[Fasten your seatbelt baby, you are in for the ride of your life!]


All site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 - 2002

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